reality check

You know when you picture something amazing and in real its just not that way? Fantasy world! ha ha Like you picture this outing that was once had, and the kids were awesome and it was such a blast when in reality it had its perks but it was crazy chaotic and you couldn't wait for bedtime? Or every day of parenting for the first 5 sleepless months was such an amazing experience, and it was but put yourself back there and some parts were a lot harder then remembered? Or you picture yourself as an independent, calm, relaxed and in control momma when in reality....ARRGGG!!! Yep, you guessed it! That's me:) So here's the story of my week:

Last Friday we were thoroughly enjoying a beautiful evening with the kids, outside on quads with sleds behind, laughing and living when daddy's phone rang and he was called out to work. Hes called out to work often, but usually stays relatively close to home but this time it was to far away and no clue as to when his return wold be. My attitude sucked from the get go. I cried, which is my natural reaction to most every emotion, and I let my frustration go on the children almost all week. And I also informed Jake that when he wouldn't be coming home he should know that I would take it out on him and get mad even though I knew there wasn't anything he could do about it! Yep, I had preplanned my actions and chose not to change them. Wow... what a beautiful picture of a Godly, submissive wife...

I can't believe I'm actually posting this. Time for some accountability I guess. And yes, to be honest I picture myself quite independent (not totally) and somewhat relaxed (again not totally) but completely capable to care for my family alone as long as its not for too long. Boy was I mistaken! We were in this situation last year and it worked out pretty good, but I think the changing factor is our little goof girl who, although sweet in every way, is also quite high maintenance and for me to provide every need to her (which she is very deserving of) I need help!! Also, as time would have it, we decided to take out Ellie's extensions, do a wash and detangle, a banding of hair night, and a cute little do the next day! (oh, ill tell you all about my new terminology another time... quite proud of my knew found knowledge). This made my time with Ellie awesome, but Kalia was pushed to the side a bit, and it felt awful. I wasn't a complete wreck the entire time, but looking back on our week I definitely talked in some ways that I am not proud of and took my stress out on the kids when that was the last thing that they needed. They don't enjoy it either when daddy's gone and its hard for them too. So yes, I woke up this morning determined to start fresh, I prayed for daddy to come home, and wala - hes on his way:) Yep, 8 short days after he left! And last year we did this for a month at a time! Maybe I just got too spoiled with his working close to home this winter. Whatever the case, my prayer is that his work will keep him close to home from now on and that I can be the one at home that he needs me to be.
Oh, and I should quit picturing myself as someone I'm not so that when I'm me, I'm not disappointed, but strive to be better:))

And for some more exciting news, we had our first mile stone with our baby this week! She turned 2!!! And daddy missed it:( but, we didn't do much of a party, saving that for this coming week! Me and nee nee are making a care bear cake and the party will be on! Super excited for that:)

Yes indeed, things are looking up, the sun in shining and all is well! Thankful today for a God that loves me even in my most selfish moments, and cares about the little things!

Life Moments

Sunday morning...
Kobe "Mom, do I have school today?"
Momma "Nope, its Sunday, we have church!"
Kobe "I thought someone said there wasn't church anymore..."

Ha ha, good try my boy!

Now, how to instill a love and passion for the body of God when quite honestly I didn't enjoy church myself until about age 25. And then it lasted for a few years until we had too many children, and now I wouldn't call it very enjoyable again... ha ha Oh well, he loves his huge Jesus and that's what matters. I can't blame him for dreading the almost 2 hour quiet sitting fest :P and I did think it was kinda funny:)

Another one

Sitting around the supper table at grandma and grandpas, Ellie having a regular moment of Ellieness, (stubborn, unable to talk anything through, just her sweet self) and I say "Ellie, I think when God made you He took some extra time :)"
and grandpa, protecting her as always said "And I love you just the way He made you my princess!! You need all the unconditional love you can get:))" We had a good chuckle and for those of you who don't know us; I wouldn't post this if we actually meant the crazy things we say!! ha ha

and another one

Its well past bedtime and Kobe comes out of his room for the third time... urg!!! "Go to sleep!"
Kobe "but my tooth is loose!"
us "No its not, no more excuses, to bed!!"
3:30 am the sweetest little boy on planet earth comes to daddy's side of the bed with something in his hand...
"Daddy, I felt this on my tongue, and it woke me up!"
Oh my goodness, not our most proudest parenting moment! But thankfully he didn't swallow it and all was good! Provided a great laugh in the morning!

Hope you enjoyed!!

Today

I don't have anything very inspirational to write today... Its been a very busy last month and a half. I am exhausted! Even if I get 4 good nights in a row, by evening, I'm ready to hit the hay! But with saying that, I am amazed at how Kalia is adjusting. She is one courageous little girl. We cannot imagine our lives without her.

We went to parent teacher interviews for Kobe today. His teacher is a blessing that I could not have hand picked better myself. She uplifts him daily and loves him, along with all her other students. She told us today how when she does her morning routine with the class, which is devotion and prayer time, she always emphasizes to them how this is important. Everything else in school and play is great, but God is on top of everything. Thank you. You are such an example and hero to my son. He will look up to you and remember what you taught him.. always.

Also this week we registered our little girl for kindergarten. This gives me a lot of mixed emotions. She will love it, and we will enjoy seeing her delight in what she learns. But she was just a baby with attitude and now shes a little girl, beautiful little girl might I add, who has been Mommy's sidekick for quite some time. I'm going to miss her like crazy.

And this is the life of us.

So I've had a few people on my case to blog again. Here it goes!

A lot has changed and a lot has not. I am still the mother of my children, I still am not the most patient person, although I would like to think its getting better. The reason for my new leaf is our newest addition, Kalia. And I cannot thank God enough for giving Jake and myself the wonderful gift of being her mommy and daddy!! We were to the point where our family felt... well... complete. A boy and girl that make my everyday. What more could I ask for. If you know me, I ask for a lot more, because I'm humanly selfish, but I was for the most part content and our children were to the point of much Independence. And then the phone rang.
"Hello"
"You have been matched... Merry Christmas!!!"
OH MY WORD!!! REALLY? US? I could go on and on and on...

To make a very long, in depth story short, we met her on Jan 13/12. We were smitten! Meant to be? I would like to think so. After meeting her only a short time, we couldn't imagine our lives without her. My only regret is not being there for her since birth, although there is not anything we could or can do about it, I wish we could have. She is learning to trust us. Almost daily we can see small things that are changing in her little but very smart mind. It will probably be some time before she is sure that we are not going to leave, but I like to think that it won't take long, and we assure her of this every chance we get. Kobe has done amazing with the transition, she adores him and follows him around. He is so good with her and it blesses Mommy's heart! Ellie has felt her place being taken away, and it pains me to see her hurt, but daily the two of them are becoming closer and sibling rivalry is normal so... haha. Ellie is my helper, and she would love to do everything for Kalia also. Kalia is an independent 2 year old with a mind of her own. Clash!! It'll come. There is so much more where this came from but I think my baby is gonna be awake any moment. I will share more in the future!

Having Faith

I haven't written for a while. Partly due to a busy summer, and in part due to a season of my life. My heart does this; sometimes open, sometimes shut. I've come to the conclusion that it is a coping mechanism. And its interesting, if you find ways of coping interesting, that I have no control over it. Who would have thunk it. Anyway, just thought I'd try to explain myself, and my "no new post".

So in other news, today I thought I'd share a little bit of that half open heart of mine:)
This may sound like a strange thought to share, but have you ever thought that you love your children so much, you almost wish you hadn't had them? Remember, I said almost. I've been watching the news with my husband a lot lately and see the shit that goes on in this world and I wonder if I have the tools, knowledge, ability and strength to get them ready to live their lives! It scares me to no end!!! And then, I remember that even in our little safe "hamlet", we will encounter many hurdles.... eg. racism, ignorance, and just normal growing up hurts (emotional & physical & spiritual) oh man, I could go on & on. But to clarify, I would give my life for my children, just like I'm sure you all would, but when I think about this, I wonder if I'm cut out for it. My biggest fear is that something may happen one day where they will hurt, and I will break, and as some of my besties know, that doesn't fit into my bubble! (my bubble; I'll tell you all about it some other time ;))

And then I remember..... He went through this all! He went through it worse than anyone. He is my tool. He gives the knowledge. He is my strength. Even when I have to convince my heart that He will see our family through. And as comforting as that thought is... its still there. I guess that's where my faith isn't where it should be, or what makes me human, although I realize that is not an excuse.

Philippians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again, rejoice. Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Growing up, my parents had a poster in our bathroom. There was a picture of a Rabbit with a carrot in front of it. Underneath it said "Be anxious for nothing". Easier said than done. But when I read the rest I remember that I don't give everything over to Him. In fact, I do quite the opposite sometimes, somehow convincing myself and its up to me. So may the peace that only He can offer guard my heart as a momma, and guard my precious children as we journey through life. Until we reach our final destination. And thankfully even this verse tells us that it will transcend our understanding, so I guess trying to make sense of it all is a waste of time :) Faith! Have Faith!!!!

Goodnight everyone :)

Everyday Life/Forever in Him

Priorities. Time. Words. Life.
What in the world am I doing?
Sometimes I seriously don't know!

Why can't I be the mother who loves to sit and play? Why don't I appreciate the little, dirty helping hands in my kitchen? Why does the question "Why?" annoy the crap outta me when I hear it 50 times a day?

My babies are sleeping right now. There truly is not a more perfect scene than a life that you would give your life for, sleeping so peacefully and purely. So often at the end of the day, after prayers, little chats, stories and rocking, I wonder what I have done for them that day that has prepared them for Him kingdom. And I know that "His Kingdom" is the point. So I wonder why its so hard to remember that during the day.

God, show me Your patience. Let me find Your hand during the moments where I need something to grab onto. Thank you that You are their Father, so that when I fail, You are standing. Tomorrow is a new day, and help me to see the same blessings in the "not so perfect mothering moments" that I see when I am loving on them. They are my children, and I love them more with each breath. Thank you for them Jesus!
Amen

Thank you Dad

Psalms 103:13
As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him;

My dad.... how can I put my love for him into words....

My dad has been an example to me my entire life. Although he isn't perfect, when I think of men of God, I think of dad.

Growing up I had a bit of a self esteem problem. Ya, bet you can hardly believe that! I was the biggest kid in the family, and always thought I was fat. My brother and sisters loved to read and write and did really good in school. I liked to play and talk and the first book I read was an Archie comic, which I was quite proud of! I still remember him taking me for a walk, and reinforcing how wonderful I was, just the way God made me. He told me that I should try in school, but it didn't matter if I didn't get the highest grades, he was proud of me and my attitude and heart were a lot more important to him than anything else. It hurt him that I didn't like the way I looked, and he always affirmed my beauty. In fact, I still feel beautiful in his eyes:) Thank you dad!

My dad is my safety net. I could always run to him and I knew he would hold me. Even if not literally, as I grew from a child into a crazy teenager, I so often needed him. I cannot count how many tears he wiped from my eyes. I remember coming home when I was about 16. I had an awful evening, and I was a wreck. He came into my room because he knew something was wrong and just sat beside me wiping my tears and it meant the world to me. I didn't need to explain anything, he didn't ask. I just needed affirmation that I was loved, that he cared, and that's exactly what he did. Thank you dad.

My dad was sooo strong. He never cried. There are a few times I remember him going through hard times and It hurt my heart so bad. I wished I could take it all away and I hated seeing him like that. At my dads mom funeral, I remember leaning on my dad, his arm was around me. I didn't really know what was going on. I watched a tear fall from his eye, hit his cheek and then land on his shirt. I will always remember that tear. From that young age I wanted to protect him too, and I couldn't.

Growing up I had a healthy fear of my dad. I didn't get away with everything I wanted to. But what I remember the most is how even if I thought he was out to lunch on why I was in trouble, in the back of my mind I knew he wanted the best for me and that he wasn't doing this to bring me down. And usually I knew he was right, although I didn't often let that on :) I knew the reason I couldn't do whatever I wanted was because he cared so deeply. Thank you dad.

My dad doesn't judge me. He loves me for me. He has sly smiles when I still sneak chocolate from their pantry. He lets me bang on their piano while he plays with my kids. He does just about anything I ask him to do for me, and I ALWAYS know I can count on him. He is my hero.

My dad has always been my strength. When I didn't know where to go, I went to him. I think that is why it has been so hard in the last year and a half to try to be there for him. Watching his pain has broken my heart over and over. Thinking back to the day God took Bobbi home, (which I cannot do very often), it was my dad that I ran to. He probably didn't need that, and yet he held me. Literally, he held me, at that moment I needed him more than ever before and he did not push me away when he so easily could have. I didn't want anyone else. It was my dad. And I've never thought of that until now, maybe that's why my tears are flowing as I write this. Thank you dad.

There is so much more I could write about him. The wonderful example he has given me is something hard to live up. The husband he has been to mom. The grandpa he is. His relationship with God and his ability to explain anything to me is amazing. The only thing that sometimes comes into the way is his big words, like I said, I didn't read much ;) His understanding of the bible, and his freedom in Christ. His love for me.

I will always cherish you dad. I love you more than you know. I thank God for picking me to be your daughter. I am blessed.

Happy Fathers Day Dad!!!

Mel